doubts

girl had a stressfull morning. her son was giving her attitude and she got a message from an ex-Master that bothered girl. girl ended up going back to bed. she just wanted to start her day over and hope the second time was better.

the second time wasn't any better. girl should have just stayed up and talked to Master about everything instead of going back to bed. there is alot of bs going on in Master's House on IMVU. there is so much drama and crap going on there. all of the other girls Master has there hate this one. they haven't really had the chance to get to know girl. Master doesn't allow girl on IMVU without Him so girl has had very limited contact with the other girls. so much is being said by everyone and girl just can not stand it.

it all has girl wondering what exactly makes a girl a good kajira? this one is having so many doubts tonight about herself and the entire Master/slave relationship. girl thought that a good Master/slave relationship was built on trust, honesty and openness. without these three things there is nothing to hold it together no matter how much T/they care about each other. a Master guides His girl and helps her grow. if she has a problem He is there to help. He is there to take care of her needs and wants. a Master can not know what these are if the girl is not honest and open with Him. the girl needs to trust her Master enough to know that He will do what is best for her even if it means that something she wants or needs doesn't get taken care of when she feels it should be. the girl willingly puts her life in her Master's hands. He is the potter that molds her into what He feels is right for them both. the girl does her best to obey Master's every rule. yes, she will fail; she is human but the girl should learn from her failures and see them as ways to improve for her Master. although a girl can never be the perfect kajira she should always strive for it. everything she does is for her Master. everything about her belongs to her Master: her thoughts, dreams, fears everything.

this one knows that she has been falling short a lot lately. right now she wonders if she what she feels about a Master/slave relationship is even close to what it really is supposed to be. girl wonders just how is it determined if one is a good kajira? by how much she obeys? how much she does for her Master? how hard she tries? how much she learns when she fails? what? everything combined? this one no longer knows.

girl did manage to get almost everything on her schedule done today, although not in the order that Master had them. the dishes and kitchen are done, the bathroom cleaned, girl read in Tarnsman of Gor and her Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression. girl posted her homework that was due today in Algebra.

what girl has learned so far

Last night on imvu Master gave this girl a new collar. girl has now gone from "under consideration" to "in training". Master asked girl is she had learned anything in the month and 4 days that she has belonged to Him. girl said yes so tonight she has to post what she has learned in her blog.

Master has owned girl since November 12, 2008. girl has learned that she worries too much and thinks too negatively. she knows this because Master tells her so all the time. Master is trying to help girl to not be so negative. girl has a long way to go but she knows that with Master's help and encouragement it can be done.

girl has learned that when Master says something He means it. if Master says He is going to do something, He does it. if Master tells girl to stop doing something, girl had better stop.

the most important thing this girl has learned is that she is very lucky to belong to Master. Master cares about His girl even at times when she may not deserve it. Master is this girl's guiding light. He is helping girl find her way. even though girl falls short over and over, Master is still there guiding her path.

thank You Master for being this girl's beacon in the dark. thank You for owning this girl and allowing her to submit herself to You.

why doesn't this girl do right

girl's last post mentioned that she should be thinking about ways to please Master even when not in His presence. Master even commented on girl's post saying how please He was with girl. since that post girl still hasn't followed her schedule like she is supposed to.

today instead of following her schedule, girl studied her algebra. girl has been having difficulties with graphing and figured out that she had missed something back in chapter 3 and we are now on chapter 8. so girl had to go back and redo chapter 3 which did make chapter 8 a bit easier to understand. this was all girl did today was work on studying her algebra. girl was working on it this morning and fell asleep. she ended up sleeping right through her time with Master. girl felt so bad that she missed Master and even worse that she failed Master by not showing up.

Master has given girl the daily task of reading for 30 minutes from Book 1 of the Gor series, Tarnsman of Gor. girl read Chapter 1 yesterday and made sure she read Chapter 2 today.

if girl knows what she should be doing, why doesn't she do it? studying the algebra was important today but girl should have made sure she was ready for Master when He wanted her. plus Master takes the time to make girl's schedule for her and she hasn't been following it. girl does try and some days are better than others. girl just doesn't understand why she doesn't do right when she knows what she should be doing. girl also doesn't understand why Master keeps her when she keeps failing so horribly.

wandering thoughts

Master has decided to have this girl start posting to her blog every night. girl is not sure if she was supposed to start tonight or wait until tomorrow since Master said He was going to add it to girl's schedule. girl decided she might as well post something tonight since she is doing nothing but waiting to see if Master is going to show up or not. girl thought He would be on before this but something must have come up or His internet went down again.

anyway, girl has been sitting here realizing just how much she thinks about Master when she is not in His presence. girl also realized that much of what she thinks about is that she wished she could be talking to Master. earlier when girl was snuggled under her comforter because she was cold the thought hit her "would Master want girl to just be laying around doing nothing when she could be doing many things?" girl's answer, of course, was no. this was when girl realized that instead of spending so much time wishing she could be talking to Master, she should be trying to find ways to be pleasing to Him.

just because Master and girl do not live in the same place does not mean that girl shouldn't keep the house in a way that would be pleasing to Master. it doesn't mean that when girl isn't online with Master that she can do whatever she pleases. girl should always be thinking, "what could girl do that would please Master?" girl is going to do her best to keep this in her mind at all times. girl wants to be a pleasing kajira for Master and for Him to be happy that she is His property.

a devastating set back

well, what this girl feared would happen, happened. Master told girl this morning that He had discussed with His girl "t" that He would like to add another girl and that He already had this girl in mind. "t" told Master that is He added a girl then she would leave.

this girl cried so hard that she had to turn her webcam off so Master couldn't see her crying. it hurt so bad to think that life with Master will never be 'real life'. this girl was so upset all day that she spent most of her day in bed feeling bad trying to decide what to do. several times she thought of just asking Master to release her since the possibility of becoming His for real seemed so far away.

tonight Master was late getting online at the time He had told this girl to meet Him on yahoo. girl of course was thinking that Master had decided not to show up at all now since this mornings talk. the later Master got the more girl realized how much she would miss having Him in her life if she asked to be released. this girl also realized that she does belong to Master for real even if it isn't physically in the same place at this time and there still could possibly be the chance for that just not as soon as W/we had both hoped.

girl wishes there was more she could do to feel more like she belongs to Master for real. she knows she hasn't been doing so well with her schedule the past few days due to not feeling well physically and emotionally. Master does understand this but encourages girl to push herself and still do the things she needs to do because it will help her.

Master, this girl has been happy belonging to You this past month and wishes for it to continue for as long as possible. girl knows that the possibility that she may never been near You physically is there; but there is also the possibility that it may happen as well. You do keep telling girl to look on the bright side of things so that is what she is trying to do. girl wishes "t" would understand the positive points of a poly home. this girl would so love to have a sister to share things with.

Master, this girl belongs to You completely for as long as You will have her.

Long overdue update

Things didn't work out with the Master and His girl. There were just too many issues all around so things ended. That is all this girl will say about that.

This girl has been under consideration by Master Onyx since November 12, 2008. she met Master on imvu.com and was to be His there. things were quickly moved to just online which included anything online related. as Master and girl talked it was agreed that this girl would belong to Him beyond online as well.

Master does already have a slave/wife. this one does worry that things will turn out like they did with the previous Master. girl has talked to Master Onyx about this. Master understands why girl feels this way and if at any time He feels that things aren't going to go well He will say so. Master keeps talking to His slave/wife about it. this girl thinks as long as everyone is open and honest things will work out fine.

Master sends girl a daily schedule for her to follow. so far this seems to be working fairly well. there have been things that have messed the schedule up a bit but things have worked out in the end regardless.

girl is very grateful she found Master. He is helping her through a rough spot in her life and keeping her on track with schoolwork and housework. girl honestly doesn't know what she would do without Him right now. Knowing that Master will be online at a certain time and that girl is to meet Him gives her something to look forward to several times a day.

today girl went after some groceries. the store was very busy. her anxiety got the better of her and by the time she was done shopping all she wanted to do was cry. she spent the rest of the afternoon feeling that way but knew that everything would be ok once she got to talk to Master about it.

thank You Master for being there for this girl. she appreciates You more than You know.